Top 50 Stupid Puns

The only thing better than a good pun is a really, really bad one. You know the kind we’re talking about, the stupid puns and one-liners so ridiculous and dumb that they make you cringe, and you laugh even though your brain is shouting at you, “Come on! That’s an insult to both of us!” Listed below is a list of 50 such puns. Scroll down to start your suffering!

1. I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

2. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray… is now a seasoned veteran.

3. What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

4. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

5. Duracell bunny was arrested yesterday. He was charged with battery.

6. How do make holy water. You boil the hell out of it.

7. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

8. When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof… I was shocked.

9. Why do you never hear a pterodactyl use a toilet? Because the p is silent.

10. I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.

11. What do you call a bee that comes from America? USB.

12. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

13. I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was shitzu.

14. How do you call and elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

15. What do you call a bear with no ears? B.

16. What is E.T. short for? Because he’s only got little legs.

17. It’s difficult to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally.

18. Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own? Because it’s two tired.

19. Where did the king put his armies? In his sleevies.

20. What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.

21. Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.

22. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

23. Where do you find giant nails? On the ends of giant’s fingers.

24. What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence.

25. What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

26. What was Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1

27. My grandpa has the heart of the lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

28. A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

29. Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

30. Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

31. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!

32. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

33. German sausage jokes are just the wurst.

34. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

35. The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn’t make any cents.

36. My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

37. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!

38. What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick? Put it on my bill!

39. What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.

40. How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!

41. Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning.

42. I don’t know the whole alphabet. I don’t know y.

43. Where do boats go when they get sick. The dock!

44. A blind man walked into a bar. Then a table, then a chair.

45. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

46. I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It’s just something I can see myself doing.

47. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

48. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

49. Why didn’t the crab donate to charity? He’s shellfish.

50. What did one plate say to the other? Lunch is on me.