Top 15 Rejected Children’s Books by Brad Gosse

Have you heard of Brad Gosse? Probably not, but he’s actually a prolific author who has published over 100 children’s books… Well… self-published, because no respectable publisher would touch his work. With titles like “Rich Kids Are Better Than You”, “My Racist Dog”, “Mommy Got a DUI”, Brad’s books will either make you laugh hysterically, or you’ll be triggered. His books are for adults who love dark humor, inappropriate jokes and don’t care for political correctness. Scroll down to see our favorites!

Since dad went away your mommy has tried. Her drinking problem. From you, she hides. After work mom likes to tie on a few. One or two or more tasty brews. Tonight though is different from any other night. Mom’s car hit a pole, but she’s gonna be all right. Her license, however. Is now out of sight. From now on mommy can’t drive you to school. A bus pass will now be your transportation tool. The transit system may seem scary at first. Don’t worry. It’s not that bad so please don’t you cry. There are many things worse than moms DUI.

When your parents split up your dad vacated. That’s when he irrationally overcompensated. You didn’t understand. You just got a new horse. Nobody thought this through. They were busy with divorce. Cinnamon is what you named your new friend. But he was too big for us to keep in the end. You keep that horse I don’t want him back. The stable doesn’t want him they say he’s a burden. And the house is filling up with smelly horse turden. Cinnamon can’t stay. I hate to tell you. He’s off to visit a factory that only makes glue. Glue is made from a variety of horse parts. You’ll remember cinnamon when doing your art.

Mom’s healing crystals won’t save your pop pop. But she spends all her money at the fancy rock shop. Thinking that they have some mystical power. To cure everything in just a few hours. She wears them on her neck like a crown. And on her wrists, she has them around. She sprinkles them through the house with glee. And she thinks they are the master key. But grandpas illness it won’t go away…

Unicorns aren’t real. Tooth fairies are completely fake. Easter celebrates the day Jesus died. Noah never built an ark to save the species. Thanksgiving wasn’t really the happiest of days. There’s no such thing as witches. Making up Santa Claus was extra cruel. It’s time to swallow your reality pills. Get ready for a life of paying taxes and bills.

It’s been a few weeks since we started to camp. Things got hard when we were denied food stamps. The truth you see is harder to say. Foreclosure happens. When mortgage we can’t pay. Mom and dad are so sorry we lied. Camping we’re not. So swallow your pride. Tent city will now be our permanent base. Now wipe that miserable look off your face.

Welcome to the vet. We have many sick pets. Many will die. So don’t get upset. This dog has cancer. This cat has fleas. This cat has aids. This dog always pees. This dog was dirty. She just needed a shower. This dog is helpless he’ll be dead within the hour.

My mom is a train-enthusiast. She runs trains with my dad’s friends every weekend. She told me she loves it because they play music and she gets to do something she loves with people she is close to. I tease her a lot about it because it seems really boring.

Moms and dads lie without any shame. About going to the gym. Or when they cheat at board games. Mom lies to dad when she tells him that she’s fine. Or pretends to want salad when she really wants fries. They say that they’re sick so they can skip out on work. Mom also lied when she said she didn’t know how to twerk. It’s a lie when someone says “I don’t want a gift”. People pretend to be happy when their marriage is on a cliff. Even though you’re a kid it’s important to know. Everyone lies and everyone knows.

Sweat shop kids made everything you own. From grans frying pan to your new smart phone. While you sleep quietly in your bed a kid somewhere gets smacked in the head with the very same shirt that you now own. Sweat shop kids are there to make everything. Child labour is important now you can see. To keep things cheap in a throw away society.

You grew up along side your doggy named Benny. You did everything together and you made so many memories which is why we decided to lie. When it was actually time for Benny to die. Since Benny was always your very best friend. We decided not to tell you when it was the end. We made up stories about a nice farm far away. Where Benny could run, and jump, and play. When you asked to visit we lied more to you. Because we just couldn’t tell you the truth. But now it’s time for us to confess…

We all know that person who has a racist dog. This book is the perfect gift for your dog owning friend. Doctor please help, my little dog Jack, he only likes whites, and that is a fact.

Monkeys are cute. But they aren’t great pets. Your mom brought one home. Now your bed is all wet. George is what you named your new friend. He seems cute today. But well, this won’t end. We sent him away. To a very nice place. But your mom won’t recover. He tore off her face.

From your piss poor grammar to the holes in your shoe. Bradford has his own rooftop pool. Laurene rides in a stretched Escalade. It’s really cool. Warren has a private butler in his parents mansion. Richard’s family wealth is always in a mode of expansion. Life isn’t easy when your parents are poor. But you might get a job cleaning a rich person’s floor.

Kids love cows. And we love you right back. It all starts here. In the cow killing shack. First they stun me to knock me out. Then hang me upside down and slice open my throat. They peel off my skin and stick me in a freezer. Feeding you is my destiny. I’m so very pleaser. Follow me now along to the next stop. We’re going to visit your local butcher shop. Where they cut my dead body into various treats. Then grind up the rest. Hooray for mystery meat. My whole life is planned from my birth to my murder. And I want you to enjoy my delicious hamburgers. Don’t cry for me kid. It’s important to know. That cow meat is tasty from my head to my toe.

Mom and dad were fighting too much. So dad packed his bags. He said she was such…. A bitch all the time. Are the words that he spoke. Now they’re divorced. And he left your mom broke. Difficult choices your mommy must make. But she’s a strong lady. So make no mistake. She went out shopping for sexy costumes. Then put a backdrop and lights in her room. And then she picked up a fancy new cam. Yep. You guessed it. Mom’s on OnlyFans.

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